Month: April 2016

the vanity of insomnia

when I can’t sleep,
when it gets really bad,
I cover all
the clocks like a Jew
covering mirrors when
someone dies.

I cover my windows with
thick blackout curtains
so that I’m not blinded
by the inexorable
march of time
towards morning.

I mourn and miss
my lack of sleep
my sanity
my peace of mind, I
fear to be haunted by
my demons, the numbers
on the clock
glowing red like eyes
in the dark as I try to stop
counting the hours
until it’s safe to sleep again.

every night I fight
my better angels
for a chance to die
a little more inside.
every day I suspend
animation, press
snooze on my life
and dream my
restless, guilty dreams.

enough.

I’d do kick-boxing, but
there aren’t enough punching
bags in the world
to absorb my rage
when I think of him.

I’d do primal scream
therapy, but
there aren’t enough decibels
in the world to yell
my feelings loud enough
to make them go away.

I’d do hypnosis, but there’s
not enough trance
in the world to make
me feel calm after
the way he treated me,
along with every other girl
he’s ever met.

I’d straight-up punch
him in the face,
if I weren’t
such a pacifist.
he’s lucky
I have yet to learn
Krav Maga. one day
I might know how
to actually
hurt him – without
disabling or permanent
injury of course – I’m not
a monster.

still. whatever
I did,
it would not be
enough.

how I’ve been

I’d tell you
how I’m doing, and
what’s going on with me,
but
you no longer deserve
to know. if
I’m sad – as I so often am –
mostly unrelated
to how you
broke my heart, or rather how
I broke myself against you, it
can no longer matter
to you, because
I’ve put myself
in a place where I can no longer
confide these feelings to you.
there’s no point. it’s
going nowhere. I fail to see
why I should bare
my ruined soul
to someone who admits
to being neither willing nor able
to pick up my pieces.

brutal

I’m not
crying. it’s just
this cold wind dragging tears
from my eyes. this wind
that last week loved me
this week is cold and cruel,
cutting, trying to wind
its icy fingers
beneath my coat,
pulling unwilling moisture
from my eyes, making
my nose run. I can’t even
compare it to you, because
you haven’t been overtly
cruel. only in withholding
your true heart, your deepest
love have you shown
the coldness that lurks
in your chest.