adult

I’m childlike. or is that
childish? I don’t even try
very hard to adult. I
pretend to be normal
and fail, over and
over and over and
over again.

today I couldn’t even
amuse myself
for an hour
in a toy store.
where’s my
au pair?

far away, so close

do you understand that
the reason I don’t write
about you that often is
because you’re right here?
I can just tell you flat out
whatever I want to say.
there’s no need to couch
my thoughts in poesy, or
think of some mildly
clever angle. it’s just direct
communication.

there are others whom
I have complex constellations
of feelings towards, which
sometimes provides me
with a message to put
into this glass bottle.

but if you recall that poem
I wrote – before we were even
an item – in which I said
that there are only two things
that inspire me: rage and
unrequited love, you’ll know
that you don’t want
to be the subject of my poems,
baby. that would mean
we were breaking up.

things I didn’t say

last night I saw him,
for the first time
in months, and
I did not speak.

I saw his eyes on me
and turned away,
expressionless,
as if I didn’t even
notice. I felt
his thoughts and feelings,
his dark vibes
and creepy, lonely
emanations
from across the room.

twice I felt some
subterranean urge
rising inside myself
to talk to him, when
the situation gave rise
to an opportunity
to make a joke
or a comment
that he would uniquely
appreciate, but I stayed
resolute and
held my tongue.
no good could
come of it. we’ve
been down that path
before. plus
I didn’t want to give him
the satisfaction
of being the first
one to acknowledge
the other.

yes, it’s petty. I’m
petty around him.
that’s one of the many
reasons I refuse
to go back to the place
where I care
what he thinks.
I lived there for too long
and hated every
minute of it.

I successfully avoided him
until he left. good riddance
to bad rubbish. proof that
if you wait long enough,
the trash will
take itself out.

the lost hour

at 10:56 p.m. tonight,
my time, you
posted a thing. so far,
normal.

but. I happened to notice
that the time stamp says
11:56 pm. are you posting
from the future?
am I secretly
in another time zone?
I did travel, but
I’m pretty sure we’re
still in the same slice
of the pie that is
Eastern Standard
Time.

so where
did that hour go?
I’m sure
the answer is something
mundane and annoyingly
prosaic, like the servers
are located
in the middle of the
Atlantic Ocean, or
some developer
fucked up somewhere,
but I like to pretend
that that lost hour
was a magical one.

in my mind,
I dreamed a million
worlds of dreams
in that hour,
and then forgot them
because I went back in
time to the present.

I know. I’m wrong.
but let me have my
delusions.

the ‘cuffs

just in case
you were thinking of
trying it on
after all this time,
I’ve got news for you,
mister. my man’s
just itching
to take you down.
he’s got a detailed plan
for what he would do
if he ever caught you
making a move. he
told me how
he’d give you the
business, in thrilling
detail. go ahead,
make his day.

but you won’t. you
never did before, and
I don’t see how
now is any different.
I’m almost disappointed
because something in me
wants to see a good fight.