empty nest

years ago I saw
this tiny birdhouse and bought
it, thinking I could get a bird
to come live there
and entertain
my cats.

by the time
I got around to putting
it up, I was told
it was for wrens, which
are very small indeed
and live in the low trees.
no wrens will come
to my high aerie
no matter how hard I try.
it’s not right for their
environment.

I put it up
anyway, a constant reminder
that you can have the nicest
home in the world, the most
lovingly constructed heart,
but you can’t
make the right one
move in.

stop.motion

I got on the wrong train
twice today, accidentally express
and was forced to watch
helplessly as I was carried
way beyond
my intended stop. in a hurry,
not thinking, I screwed
myself again and again.
even as I mentally berated
myself for betraying
my own best interests,
I couldn’t help but notice
that going too far
in the right direction
is better than not moving
at all.

Zelda 2.0

I’m out of poetry.
I’ve run dry. what’s the use?
poems are just lies
papering over the holes
in my bones where
sadness lives.

I’ve run out of ways
to make this slow death
sound pretty. when
my mind collapses
in on itself like a dying
star, all that’s left is cold,
hard science. there’s no
dress glittery enough
to hide my hideous heart, no
drink strong enough
to make me forget
to hate myself, no
fairy tale magical enough
to let me come out
a decent human being,
so why pretend?

Zelda (and eight other women
who are not remembered
at all) died
in a fire at the sanitarium
aka asylum aka loony bin
because she had been locked
in a room
waiting to get ECT
after Scott took everything
she had, her very words
published under his name,
her own novel trash-talked
to death.

I’m a new Jazz Age
glamour doll. where’s my Scott?
come plagiarize my diary,
savage my self-esteem and then
abandon me. I’ll do it all
again, if you’ll only
pretend to love me
long enough
for me to get some art
out of my veins and onto
the page.

my grocery lists

how many trees
have died for my
grocery lists?
thrown in the trash
with most of the page
left blank. well, rip me up
and put me in there too
because I’ve died for you
a hundred times and it’s all
meaningless, in a hundred years
no one will care, my using dead
tree bodies to write my ephemera
is just one of the eight million
reasons I’m going to hell, and when
I get there I’ll be confronted by the
sad-eyed garbage men
who will wordlessly show me
the cuts on their hands
from my orphaned and deadly
cat food can lids, and all the little
children in Africa who died
as a direct result of my wasting
water by running it in the bathroom
to give me privacy or sometimes
if I can’t pee right away, anyway
the point is none of them will
actually be in hell because they
are innocent and I’m just
the absolute worst – and even
saying that is narcissistic and
pathetic, a self-pitying
worthless loser trying to
draw attention to herself talk
and you see now how
this goes, a perpetual
downward spiral
forever like Fibonacci or some shit
I probably saw on a FB meme
because I’m
dumb like that –
they will just visit me in hell
and give me accusing stares
that say I’m not mad, I’m just
disappointed
and I’ll probably
learn even more ways
I’m fucking up right now
without even meaning to
or knowing it so
as much as I hate being alive
half the time for no good reason,
I don’t really look forward
to dying, either. so please
call off that mob hit I ordered
on myself, because
I’m going to have to do something
far worse than death.

I think I’m going to have
to live.

fables

the lion lay crying
deep in the jungle. a little
field mouse
heard his weeping and happened
to be headed that way anyway
looking for his seeds and nuts
to sock away
for winter. he found he couldn’t
just pass by this elaborate spectacle
of suffering without at least inquiring
as to the cause.

the lion’s roars
shook the earth in his vicinity.
the frightened field mouse, trembling,
crept up to the
enormous supine form.

“why are you crying?”
he had to shout
to be heard over the
deafening racket.
“there’s a thorn
in my paw,” said the lion,
sullenly. “it hurts a lot
and I can’t get it out.”
he gnawed on the paw
angrily, but to no avail.

the field mouse thought,
what’s in it for me? he might
just eat me as soon as I’ve
helped him. I should just
run away right now
before he remembers that
he’s a predator and I’m prey
so I can live to scavenge
another day.
but. then the lion
would keep on roaring
and caterwauling
and it was hard to sleep
with all that noise.
the mouse had
twelve new babies at home
that needed their rest,
and a tired mousewife
who was at her wit’s end.
if she found out he could have
stopped it, and didn’t?
he’d never hear
the end of it.

“I can help you with that,”
squeaked the mouse shyly,
and before the lion could demur,
ran over to the swollen paw and nimbly
plucked free the thorn
with his tiny sharp teeth.

the lion yowled in reflex but then
suddenly stopped, shaking his paw in
amazement. he licked it
experimentally.

“it doesn’t hurt any more!” said he in
wonder. he looked at the mouse
and a new gleam came
to his eye. his other paw shot out
and pinned the mouse
to the earth. “I could eat you
right now!” he growled menacingly.

“you could,” replied the mouse.
“but then who would tell you
about the three dead zebra
on the edge of the forest?
they’ve only been a little nibbled
by jackals.”

“you could be lying
about those zebra. a mouse
in the paw is worth
two in the veldt, my mother
used to say.”

“I helped you with that
pesky thorn, when I could easily
have walked away. believe me
or not.” and the mouse shrugged
as best he could under the weight
of the giant, velvety paw. he tried
not to tremble and mostly
succeeded. the big claws curved
slowly out of their sheaths, and
surrounded him in an ivory
cage.

the lion laughed.
“you think I can’t sniff out
three lousy zebra
by myself? or kill three more
if I felt like it?” and he flipped
the mouse into his mouth
like a popcorn kernel. crunch,
crunch, gulp, and the mouse was
history. his children never knew him,
and his widow remarried
the next season. (in retrospect
being nagged for a while
seems like a small price to pay.)

the morals of this story are these:
if you put yourself
in someone’s power,
don’t be surprised
if they use it over you
in ways you don’t like. mercy
is rare in those used
to the privilege
of always getting their own way.

how quickly we forget
what pain feels like
once the stimulus is subtracted.

if you get the choice to be a lion
or a field mouse, be the lion
or be prepared to get eaten.

the fine line

part of me is very angry.
part of me is hurt
again. the rest
of me is trying very hard
not to hate, because hate
is too close to love. anger
is still too much caring
for this bullshit. I must
detach. I must just
turn off the part of me
that still loves (desperately,
truly, madly, deeply)
because she has no place in
our world.

it’s better
for the art, he said.

no, but
okay.

those Playboys

you slightly invited me
into your life
and I came busting in
like a firefighter,
with a miner’s headlamp on
to shine all over you and
in the process accidentally
expose your dark, dark
underbelly. I caught you
sitting in the basement with
your black self-pity and
your piles of paper dollies
that you pretend
you’re in love with,
you shrank away and hissed
melodramatically through your fingers
like a lizard man
or the Chupacabra,
but this is actually
an episode of Hoarders
and I’m trying to
stage an intervention here.
and just like any
intervention, the subject
fights it tooth and nail
until one wonders, “Really, why
bother? this right here
is someone who
doesn’t want to be saved.
let him wallow in his own filth
amidst those Playboy magazines
from 1998 – why should I care?”

you seemed like
the kind of broken
that made me want
more than anything
to try to fix you.

but since it turns out
you’re über-happy
in your misery,
I’ll back out,
close the door quietly,
and leave you be.

don’t say
I didn’t try.
don’t say
I didn’t care.
it’s not my fault you’ve
been living in the dark
for so long, you’ve forgotten
what sunlight
even looks like.

edits

I’m sorry I’m so inconvenient
as to have feelings
that you don’t approve of. I bet
you wish you could just edit
them out of me. sometimes
I do too. a snip here, a cut there
and my pesky problem’s
solved. just rearrange my heart
like words on a page.
if only
I didn’t have to.

everything about you
is more than okay
with me, except that.
you would have me
black out so many
pieces of myself. how long
before the holes get so big
I fall through them
and disappear?

maybe someday
before that happens,
I’ll decide that I’d rather
be with someone
who doesn’t think
I need to be censored.

come in/go away

my doormat says “go away”
if one is standing
in the hall.
but when you’re leaving, it says
“come in”.

I keep most people
at arm’s length.
unless they invite themselves,
I don’t ask them
to come over.
if they do, I enjoy
their company
for a while, but it soon
palls. I grow restless, bored, tired
and long to be alone
with my thoughts
and my cats
and my life.

but some people
never grow stale.
with some people,
I never run out of things
to talk about. some souls
feel like home to me.
I never want them to leave,
and dream
of being with them
all the time. you seem
to be one of them.

it doesn’t have to
mean anything.
nothing really
has to change.

you can stand
out in the hallway
if you want; you can even
go away.
but know that
if you want to,
you are welcome to
come in.

hostages

you were here, and now you’re
gone, with no guarantee you’ll ever
come again. but
you left something behind,
something that
I think you’ll want
the next time it
rains.

and when you left, you took
a piece of me
with you, something that
I will definitely need
the next time I make
pizza.

so let me know
when we can arrange to meet
for this hostage exchange
of your umbrella
for my pizza cutter.