self-care in a time of self-loathing

today I was supposed
to have physical therapy
at five, but I
didn’t go. I was busy procrastinating
leaving the house, I couldn’t find
the perfect necklace
to match my outfit, and also maybe
part of me
didn’t see the point. so what
if my neck has been killing me
since Monday? it’s only pain,
and it’s only me
who’s feeling it. no one else even
knows or cares,
except the people at PT, and
I’m paying them.

last week
I went to PT twice, and as my reward
my power brick thingy
got stolen from the waiting room.
I don’t deserve
to feel better. I’m sick of
trying to lift myself
out of the dirt
only to get smacked back
down. why bother?

the hardest time
to do something nice
for yourself is when you feel like
you deserve it the least.
it’s not really about
deserving, though. nobody
really deserves anything
and we all get things,
good or bad, regardless.

if I treated anyone else
the way I treat myself, I’d think
I was a pretty lousy friend
to that person.

I made another appointment
for tomorrow. maybe
I can allow myself
to go. maybe I don’t deserve
to be stretched on a rack
of my own making.

Published by

R. Brookes McKenzie

what fresh hell is this

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