I understand now
why you always talk to me
about having your children
and then – practically in the
same breath – deny having
any romantic interest in me
whatsoever. you want me
to mother your children
better than your own mother
did with you. you think
that only this can repair
the yawning abyss
she left in your heart
with her toxic
mothering. and if you
were to express any
romantic feelings towards me
it would be too close
to incest because
you conflate me
with her.
Tag: therapy
a conversation greatly to be desired
I’d like to hear
what our therapists would have to say
to each other. in a mythical world
where such a conversation
might be permitted and
not considered a gross violation
of our privacy (or HIPAA,
or the Hippocratic oath, or
some other dumb law),
I bet with an hour together
they could sort out our problems
in a trice – a jiffy, even.
to my therapist, who’s also not helping
I understand why you told me
to do that thing, but it’s no
good. I didn’t do it
and I’m not going to. there’s no point.
I need to face facts
and accept the reality
of what I cannot change.
asking why
is an exercise in futility
that will only lead
to even more
awkwardness. anyway
there’s no explaining chemistry
or lack thereof. why put him
on the spot when
there’s no good answer
to be had?
really at this point I feel
like the only thing
he could say that would make
everything all right
is “I lied before. I do
love you and want you.
(you’re not ugly, worthless,
broken and/or fundamentally
unlovable)
the real reason
I’ve been pretending
it’s not gonna happen
is because I’m afraid I’ll let
you down.”
my expecting that
to happen is like thinking
a damn Pegasus will just canter up
and invite me telepathically
to go for a ride. all my wishing
and hoping can’t
make the impossible
come true. so please, stop
enabling my madness.
the sticking point
I’m screwing up
my courage. my therapist says
that no one ever feels brave
enough to do something they’re
afraid to do, that the act
comes first. you have to do
something brave, and then you become
the person that was brave enough
to do the thing
that you were so afraid to do. if you wait
until you feel brave enough to try it,
it will never happen. so the sticking point
doesn’t really exist. put a pin
in me like a butterfly,
I’m done with waiting. wishing
and hoping is killing me, so I guess
it’s time to try throwing myself
on this grenade. wish me
luck! I’ll need it.
R. Brookes McKenzie 