it’s been one year
to the day
since I opened the door
of the cage I was in
and stepped out
into the light.
it’s also been one month
to the day
since I went out
on a non-date
with someone who, as
it turned out,
wasn’t anywhere near
free to be
with me.
so happy anniversaries
to me. bonné anné,
bonné mois.
he doesn’t want
to be noticed, except
by the right girl.
does he know
that I see him?
and if he knows,
does he care?
word’s out on the street
that you’re having
a party. guess my invitation got
lost in the mail.
no, please. don’t bother
to correct your oversight.
the medium looks at you
askance, as if she knows
what you want to do
to certain persons who
are no longer with us.
but your money’s as good
as any other mark’s, so
she dials up the Ouija board,
fully expecting to be able
to phone it in, as usual.
brooding like a hen
on a nest, hoping your
death will come soon,
talking to my own
body like a disobedient
child – how dare you?
who do you think
you are? if there’s
someone in there, I’m
kicking you out. enjoy
the cigarette smoke,
coffee, weed smoke, alcohol, lsd,
rich foods, tooth bleach, staying
up late and coma-like slumber.
enjoy these sick beats I made,
and then get out. it’s
nothing personal; I’m just not
ready for you. now’s not
a good time. I’m used to being
alone in this body, and I like it
that way.
you’ve gone away to clear
your head. good.
if you’re going to
come to me, I want
you to do it because
you truly want to, not
because I look like the only door
out of the cage
that you are trapped in.
she hugs
everyone. I know, I see it,
and still I’m jealous. she gets
to hug you. I hug
a lot of people, but
usually they initiate
it. how did she get
to the place where
she’s able to hug you?
can I have
the map? I want
to go to there.
1) if you like her, never admit it.
2) if she makes a move, reject her.
3) hang out as much as possible.
4) be very nice but maintain
plausible deniability.
5) if she objects to any of this,
tell her she’s the crazy one.
6) act happy for her when she
meets someone who’s not afraid
to tell her how he feels.
7) die alone.
you tried so hard
to play upon my pity
tonight, but it didn’t
work. I think I
may have finally learned
the difference between empathy,
hyper-responsibility, and love.
I felt an echo of sadness ring
inside me like a distant bell
at the thought of your
loneliness, but it no longer
has the power
to make me believe that I
need to be the one
who has to step up
to save you from yourself.
I had just about decided
to join a convent. I was
giving up on the idea
of having a relationship
other than the intimate one I have
with my personal saboteurs,
those voices who live
inside my head. the eternal flame
that is my hope of love
was guttering out.
R. Brookes McKenzie 