to Diablo, who has recently died

just when I thought
the tide of grief was receding, it
rushes in again. fuck. you
know how much I loved you, right?
please tell me you did. I couldn’t
bear it if I thought you died
not knowing.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t much use
to you at the end. I learned
something about myself and how
I’m really not much good with
the dying. you were a great little
guy, with a huge heart. everyone
who ever knew you
loved you. you tried to go home
with every delivery guy.

you were often naughty, and
that made you wonderful. you
were more like a dog
then a cat, which I must admit
I often found annoying. but you
were so smart, and so human;
I swear you understood
every word I said.

you chose me
that day 15 years ago, and
I never regretted it.

I hope you come back to me
when you’re ready.

my ring

I’ve been wearing this
ruby ring a lot lately. not
that you’ve asked,
but I’ll tell you why.
it reminds me
of an engagement ring, but
it was not given
to me by a man.
my mother bought it for me
when I was 17 and
we were visiting Thailand.
gems are cheaper
there. (probably bought
with the blood of men
digging them from the ground,
but this was 1990 and no one knew
about blood diamonds back then.)

I wear it now
to remind myself
that I don’t need a man
to be happy. I am married
to myself.

so if you see me
wearing this ring, know
that I’m trying
to be strong.